


Catch Me As I Fall

by This_world_of_beautiful_monsters



Series: Shadow Girls [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: A few slightly de-aged characters, Apologizes for messing up anything in canon, Canon Divergence, F/F, F/M, Good Bellatrix Black Lestrange, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Slytherin Redemption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:01:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28495011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/This_world_of_beautiful_monsters/pseuds/This_world_of_beautiful_monsters
Summary: Bellatrix Black is crying in the girl's lavatory when Lily Evans finds her. Lily doesn't do what smart girls do, doesn't walk away.
Relationships: Bellatrix Black Lestrange & Lily Evans Potter, Bellatrix Black Lestrange/Lily Evans Potter, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Shadow Girls [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2087292
Comments: 7
Kudos: 48





	Catch Me As I Fall

When they're eleven years old, Lily Evans finds Bellatrix Black crying in the girl's lavatory. This is in the early days, back before Bellatrix has a sheet of steel over her heart, when her mind hasn't been broken into comfortable little pieces. She's still a little gawky, still a little messy, still on the very far edge of the group of boys who would one day become Death Eaters.

Nevertheless, she's _Bellatrix Black._ She's tall and vicious with her biting tongue and pitch-dark eyeliner, the Slytherin robes that she wears like a queen's gown. Evans should know to walk away, or at the very least turn what she's just seen into blackmail material.

Evans doesn't.

"Why are you crying?" she asks, big green eyes full of concern.

"What's it to you, scag?" Bellatrix hisses, remembering too late that she should have used "Mudblood." Wait, is Evans a Mudblood? She thinks someone may have said she is, but she honestly can't quite remember. She's not good at paying attention to these things, not yet, to her parents' chagrin.

"Did you hurt yourself?" Evans presses. "Should we got to the hospital wing?"

"If I needed to be in the hospital wing, I'd _be_ in the fucking hospital wing," Bellatrix growls. She actually doesn't know where the hospital wing is yet, but damned if she's going to let Evans know that. Besides, this isn't something Madam Pomfrey can fix.

"Is it....is it something about your parents?" Evans asks, shuffling her feet. "Some of the other Slytherins seems to have, like, troubles with their parents. I've seen them freak out over letters--"

"Fuck _off,"_ Bellatrix spits, rounding on her, and the mirror cracks.

_Shit._

Evans' eyes go wide with wonder. "You can still do magic without a wand?"

Bellatrix blinks. Now she _definitely_ knows Evans is a Mudblood, because who else would react like that to such an embarrassing mistake? She's always been terrible at keeping her magic under control and maintaining her Black poise, especially compared to her cousins.

"Yeah," she mutters, scuffing the ground with her boot. Such a display would have meant a slap or a curse at home, but...she _isn't_ at home, is she? Even if home still insists on following her.

"But that's so _cool!"_ Evans says. "Like, _Star Wars_ cool!"

Bellatrix cocks her head. "Pardon?"

"It's an, um, Muggle movie series," Evans says, shuffing her feet. "It's got some people who can move things without touching them or read minds without wands."

Bellatrix blinks. "Really?" Her parents are always going on how much Muggles hated things that didn't fit in their down-to-earth worldview, how they locked and dissected up any witches or wizards who made the mistake of being seen. She thought they would have disdained such entertainment.

"Yeah!" Evans' smile fades a little. "Did your parents get mad at you for that?" she asks.

Bellatrix glances down at her feet and doesn't say anything. She'd blown up a bottle in her potions class again, after she got mad at herself and the teacher and the book and _everything._

Regulus told his parents, and his parents ended up telling _her_ parents, and they'd sent her a letter that literally burned her fingers when she touched it. _You're supposed to set a good example for your sisters,_ they'd said, again. _Do you want everyone thinking the Black girls are out-of-control harridans?_

Evans reaches out to take her hand. "I broke my sister's nose once," she says quietly. "I didn't mean to, but I was so mad, and then everyone was screaming at me..." She winces at the memory.

Bellatrix nods. She and her sisters hurt each other by accident more times than she wants to remember, back when they first started getting their magic. But she wonders, suddenly, what it would for that to happen and not to know why. It... "Sounds scary," she admits out loud.

"Yeah." Evans nods. "But I got it under control, I'm sure. And _you_ will, too."

 _What are you doing?_ asks a voice in her head. She's a pureblood, a _Black,_ she shouldn't be talking about such things with a no-name Mudblood girl.

"Um..." she steps backward, away from Evans. "I, uh, so you see, I'm okay. I don't need any fucking hospital wing." She turns away and starts splashing water on her face, only to find...oh, joy, they're out of towels.

"Here," Evans says, handing her a handkerchief. "Mum said I should always keep a few in my pockets, just in case."

"Really?" Bellatrix asks, dabbing at her face. "Funny thing to say."

"It works, doesn't it?" Evans points out. She extends a slender hand. "I'm Lily, by the way. Lily Evans."

The word _filthy_ appears in Bellatrix's head, but it arrives slowly, cautiously, not nearly fast enough to keep her from grabbing Lily's hand and giving it a firm shake. "Bellatrix," she says. "Bellatrix Black."

Bellatrix doesn't know when she first becomes friends with Lily Evans.

Maybe it's when they bump into each in the library and Lily suggests a study session. Bellatrix agrees because she just cannot focus during History of Magic, and the only other people in sight are snooty Ravenclaws that she can't catch up with him and pretty blonde Slytherin girls who make fun of her messy hair and tall, flat body. They end up giggling and talking as much as studying, and Bellatrix learns a lot more about _Star Wars_ , which actually doesn't sound that boring for a Muggle production.

Maybe it's when James Potter is getting a bit too far in Evans' personal space and Bellatrix finds herself looming out of the shadows, even though why should she care? Potter backs off, just a little, and actually apologizes when he sees Evans visibly relax, saying he hadn't realized he was so close.

Maybe it's after Bellatrix starts yelling at the teacher again, the way she sometimes does because she just _loses_ it in class, where everything's so tight and crowded and she feels her parents' expectations pressing down on her again. A Gryffindor girl laughs at her afterward, calls her an "inbred loony," and Bellatrix's just about to punch her in the throat when Evans steps in, firmly telling the Gryffindor she's being ridiculous, and guides Bellatrix away.

Maybe it's after a Slytherin boy corners Evans in a dark hallway, hissing "show me your tits, Mudblood," and before Lily can so much as so a word Bellatrix has kicked him in the groin and hit him with a full Body Bind. She guides Lily away, trying to calm her to the best of her ability, and they leave the boy propped against the wall. When someone comes to bring her to detention later Bellatrix tosses an "up your bum" sign over her shoulder as she goes, and Evans can't keep from laughing.

Maybe it's when she apologizes to Evans for snapping, and Evans doesn't notice half the room gaping at the sight of _Bellatrix_ apologizing.

Maybe it's when Evans sees at a picture of Bellatrix's younger sisters, and comments on how cute they are and how much they look like her, instead of saying her sisters are prettier the way _so many_ people have.

Maybe it's when she's first introduced to Lily's other friends, Marlene and Severus, and overhears someone say that Lily Evans has a knack for attracting Slytherins (Bellatrix can't decide if it's an insult or not, but decides to glare anyway).

Maybe it's when she stops thinking of Evans as "Evans," and starts calling her Lily instead.

Maybe it's when Lily, in the most offhanded way imaginable, starts calling her "Trix."

Maybe it's when she talks to Sirius for the first time since he got sorted, because Lily asked if she was scared to talk to him and Bellatrix Black is not scared of _anything._

Maybe it's when Bellatrix--or Trix--finds herself carefully scanning her letters home, editing out any mentions of Lily.

Maybe it's when she realizes she's fascinated by the dark power that some of the Slytherin boys are talking about, by the teachings they've received from some man named Tom Riddle, but she's also fascinated by Lily's tales of Muggle life and the endless drama Lily's got going on with Potter, and she doesn't know how to reconcile these things.

Maybe it's when Trix finds herself losing control again and she realizes that instead of pressing in, trying to calm her down, Lily is backing away and taking slow, deep breaths that she politely asks Trix to follow.

Maybe it's when Lily gives her a device called a "cell phone" for Christmas and painstakingly teaches her how to use it, and Trix finds herself spending quite a bit of her free time hiding out on the rooftop of the Black home, trying her absolute hardest to not fall off or accidentally hang up. After Sirius leaves the family Lily hands the phone off to him sometimes; he makes Trix laugh more than anyone else can and manages keep the begging to run away with him to a minimum.

Maybe it's when she wakes up one morning after falling asleep in the library with Lily's head pillowed on her shoulder, her hair bunching in the crook of Bellatrix's elbow as if it belongs there, that Trix realizes: _oh, shit, we're friends._

When people talk about how filthy Mudbloods are, Bellatrix sometimes doesn't have the strength to tell them to shut up, not when word might get back to her parents. But she changes the subject as best she can, and whenever Lily is involved she always finds the courage to speak up for her, no matter the consequences.

What happens to Bellatrix Black is not a case of change, but rather a case of growing into something different than she could have been, in another world. 

"People say there's a war coming," Lily says as they share a bottle of fire whiskey after graduation, when Lily's trying to find the courage to go find James. "Wizards against wizards, or some such nonsense."

Trix looks out at the lake, thinking she can catch a flicker of the squid's tentacles. "I..." she sighs. "The things they say in the Slytherin common room, sometimes....I don't know." People say things, and they expect her to join in. She feels ashamed when she does, and ashamed when she doesn't. The shame when she doesn't feels more bearable, though, for some reason.

"Just talk," Lily promises, squeezing her hand.

"Yeah," Trix replies, ignoring the doubt in her own voice.

Tom Marvolo Riddle is graceful and intelligent, cunning and witty and strong. He treats Bellatrix like a person, like the warrior she was named for, instead of a freak or a sex object. He has plans for the future where they won't have to hide from Muggles anymore, where the Wizarding world will be purified and set free.

Trix listens to him, and dearly wishes that she could stop thinking of Lily's kind, fierce eyes when he talks about wiping out Mudbloods. When he talks about the weak stupidity for Gryffindors, she wishes she could stop thinking about how brave and cunning Potter and his Marauders are.

Tom--Voldermort, more often--encourages Trix to harness her rage and wildness, embraces that part of her the way no one else has. In another universe, Bellatrix listens to him without hesitation. In this one, she thinks Lily cheering her on when she wins a fight, but also gives her books about Muggles learning to cope with their own anger.

She doesn't know what to do.

One of Voldermort's followers asks for her hand in marriage and the not-knowing-what-to-do grows worse. "I don't love him," she confesses to Lily over the phone, pitching her voice lower than ever because there are so many people in the house who might overhear her using forbidden Muggle technology. "But I'm _supposed_ to marry him, it's expected of me."

 _"You know how ridiculously old-fashioned that is, right?"_ Lily asks.

"I know," Bellatrix sighs. In another universe, Rodolphous is the first person to say she's pretty instead of simply fuckable, and Voldermort is the first person to suggest she might have value beyond serving as a pureblood breeder. In another universe, everything is far more simple.

"Everything is starting to feel old-fashioned around here," she admits, settling into the shadow of a tower. "Everybody's going on about Revolution and Change and Purification. No one ever talks about Quidditch or the latest robe fashions or even whether Lucius knocked up Narcissa. And...." she sucks in a breath. "Dromeda's gone. She married a Mud--Muggleborn."

 _"I'm sorry,"_ Lily says. Then, _"You were about to say something other than Muggleborn, right?"_

"Yeah," Trix says, rubbing her head. "I'm sorry." She can't remember the last time she heard one of her relatives (other than Sirius, but she's not sure he counts) use the proper term for Muggleborns. Regulus, maybe?

 _"They're..."_ Lily sucks in breath. _"They're talking about War over here, too. A War we'll all have to fight."_

Trix bows her head, understanding the implications. She and Lily will be on opposite sides of that war. James will be on the other side, and Marlene, and probably Sirius...maybe even Severus, she's never really known what to think about him.

"It's going to be okay," she promises, not knowing what else to say.

 _"I know,"_ Lily says, and Trix doesn't know whether she believes it or not.

She delays the marriage with Rodolphous, telling him that she wants to focus on the war now, not matrimony. A part of her actually believes it.

The last time she sees Lily before things go to hell, Trix is a bridesmaid at her wedding, sneaking away from home in the dead of night. She sees the way everyone looks at her in her mint-green dress, this tall Black girl who _undoubtably_ thinks was everyone else. She hears them whispering about how crazy she is, asking each other _why is she even here._

Sirius and Lily talk to her, but she can see how distracted they are by their significant others, by Remus in his handsome tuxedo and James with his winking hazel eyes. She warns them about the coming fight, but she's not telling them anything they don't already know, really, 

Trix tries to push down the feelings of loneliness and jealousy, and that's when she realizes how comfortable she's grown with those feelings. Even with Lily at her side, she's spent far too much being freaky, ugly, crazy Bellatrix Black.

And now Lily has someone else to love and look after, while Bellatrix is expected to go home to the pack of warmongers crowded up her mansion, to her parents' endless disappointment, to a man whose touch makes her feel absolutely nothing. She's supposed to go home to Tom Marvolo Riddle, when a part of her loves him and part of her fears him, but it doesn't really matter because she'll never be allowed to have him.

She goes to cry in the bathroom again, and this time Lily doesn't come for her.

A few months later later the war of the wizarding world begins. Bellatrix walks into battle on Voldermort's heels, and lets herself drown in the anger, lets herself lose control.

She can't cast a Killing Curse.

This is the flip side of losing control, she thinks. _All_ of her wild instincts are unleashed on the battlefield, and Trix finds that these instincts are not partial to murder. Her Stunning spells fly with deadly accuracy, but they are. Well. Stunning spells.

One of the people she stuns is Lily, and when James rushes to her side as she topples to the floor Bellatrix wants to do the same, too.

Remulus and Severus use stunning spells a lot of the time, too, which is one of the things that saves her, but they're still not as bad as Bellatrix is.

Her parents lecture her, and give her painful curses as if she's a child again. The other Death Eaters snicker and taunt, bringing back all the old words back: _mad, stupid, freak, useless girl._ And they use other, more dangerous words, too: _weak, incompetent, potential blood traitor._

She's interrogated, carefully and precisely, by Voldermort. She passes, because conflicted as she is Bellatrix is _trying_ to be a good Death Eater, _trying_ with a genuine will, and that's all Voldemort picks up enough. He doesn't think to go deeper, doesn't think to look for Lily.

But he does take into the woods and order her to kill several small animals. Bellatrix does as she's told, as she's _expected_ to do, her left hand shaking as she jams it in her pocket. She watches a doe go stiff on the forest floor and thinks of Lily.

Her love for Voldemort starts to die that day.

Afterwards she can't keep from curling up on her bed and crying, wishing with all her heart that she had the strength to call Lily.

Regulus finds her, and for a few terrifying minutes she _knows_ he's going to tell her parents or just dispose of her on the spot, but instead he pulls her into a hug and strokes her hair, whispering that everything's going to be okay.

Later, they're curled up together when he starts whispering in her hair, in the voice of someone who can't hide a secret anymore. He tells her a strange, wild story about Horcruxes and Hallows, about a man who will do anything to stay alive even if it means leaving them all behind.

Trix keeps his secrets, and he keeps hers, until he leaves one day and doesn't come back.

Bellatrix knows that at her next battle, she'll probably have to fire Stunning spells. She lies awake at night, thinking about Lily and Severus, about the past she's had and the future Voldemort offers. She can see the choice coming, and it terrifies her.

When matters comes to a head, it's over such a small thing, really. They're sent to torture some Muggles to make a statement, a bit of horror to remind the sheep who's really in charge.

"Get to work, Bellatrix," Rabastian barks, turning to start lighting the curtains on fire.

Bellatrix stands there and realizes some things:

1\. These are Muggles like Lily's parents, like the people who made _Star Wars,_ like the sister Lily showed Bellatrix pictures of, like the people who made the cell phone that's been her lifeline so often.

2\. She is expected to torture them. If she doesn't, she will be revealed as a traitor--it's all right to have doubts about killing wizards, but refusing to hurt _Muggles_ is 

3\. She's been having doubts about the Death Eater's cause for a lot longer than she'd like to admit.

4\. Somewhere, at some time, Regulus had to face a crisis like this. Regulus, who disappeared on what she suspects deep down was not a mission for Voldemort.

5\. Whatever she feels for Voldemort is not as strong as it once was, and not nearly as strong as it could have been.

6\. She only has a few seconds to figure these things out.

It's all crashing out of her again, all of it, she can't _breathe_ and she can't _think_ and she wants to _scream_ and _cry._ And Rabastian's walking towards, saying something she can't hear over the roar in her head, and the rooms too small, and.

And Bellatrix does what she always does when she's feeling afraid and cornered: she lashes out.

She hits Rabastian with a Body-Bind before rounding on their companions, stunning them before they can close their gaping mouths. Then she's running to the Muggles, undoing their binds and yanking them to their feet, urging them to _Run, get out of here, you stupid fucks._

Trix Apparates home, to her bedroom. She doesn't have time to think about what the fuck she's doing; it won't be long before someone recovers enough to tell Voldermort what she just happened and _oh god what she has done_ no no don't think about it _focus._

She yanks open her school trunk and digs up the hooded sweatshirt buried at the bottom, the one Lily gave her that she never wore at home, the one with the cell phone in the pocket.

Trix Apparates away, away, until she's staggering down a Muggle street in the middle of nowhere. She pulls on the sweatshirt as she walks, tugging it over her hair and robes because she is a hunted woman now, and the very possibility of being seen makes her want to throw up.

She pulls the cell phone out of her pocket and dials as she walks, fingers shaking.

Lily answers at the third ring. _"Trix?"_

"Lily, I..." she bursts into tears; she hasn't cried in front of Lily since they day they met, had promised herself she'd never do it again. Today is a day for breaking promises, though.

She stammers out the whole ridiculous story as she walks, not knowing if she'll be believed or just mocked, not knowing if she'll be told she deserves this. Lily asks where she is and Trix does her best to decipher her location from street signs.

" _I'm getting some Phoenix members to pick you up,"_ Lily promises. So Trix somehow finds the strength to hang up and obediently waits in an alley, clutching her wand in white-knuckled fingers as the concrete rattles under her feet. She's panting, teetering on the edge of hyperventilation, and the fact that she manages not to pass out or throw up is a miracle to her.

The Aurors appear from the shadows around her with a series of _cracks,_ faces hard and wands raised. Sirius is there too, though, and he's smiling with relief. Trix forces herself to look at the smile, to take it as a promise that everything will be alright.

She tosses aside her wand and raises her trembling hands over her head.

They lock her up in someone's guest room; it's not like they have anywhere to put prisoners. Bellatrix sits and shakes in the corner, trying to do the exercises Lily gave her, trying so hard not to break things.

She hears arguing in the hallway, and then _Lily_ is striding through the door, looking so beautiful with her red hair snapping in the wind and her eyes burning fiery green, James and Sirius on her heels.

Trix doesn't have time to say anything before she's pulled into the tightest, fiercest hug she's ever experienced. Her nose fills with the smell of light perfume and books and clean handkerchiefs, and she starts crying afresh because she never realized how much Lily smells like _home._

"I knew you could do it," Lily whispers, as Trix squeezes her back.

Bellatrix submits to a Pensieve. She lets Albus Dumbledore reach inside her head, lets him turn over her memories of Regulus and the Horcruxes, and also her memories of Voldemort and Lily and her sisters. It's a humiliating, terrifying experience, and there's no way she could endure it if it weren't for Lily and Dromeda each holding one of her hands, talking to her, promising that everything will be all right.

Albus lifts his head from the Pensieve, and the distrust in his eyes has been replaced with acceptance, maybe even admiration. He says it's okay, that she can be _trusted_ , and even if the rest of the Order of the Phoenix will never quite look at her the way Lily and Dromeda and Sirius do, Trix still senses that something has changed.

It's not perfect. But it's all she has, right now, and it feels better than what she's left behind.

Minerva McGonagall, Alastor Moody, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin are assembled to track down the Horcruxes Voldermort has been creating. As for Trix, she expects to be left at one of the Phoenix strongholds until they trust her enough to fight. It's not like she's earned anything better.

So imagine her surprise when she's taken to Godric's Hollow instead, where she finds Marlene babysitting an tiny infant with a soft scruff of black hair. "His name's Harry," Lily explains, gently lowering the baby into Trix's arms. "You've been drafted into the babysitting team."

"Drafted?" is all Trix can say, gaping down at the beautiful, delicate being cradled in her arms.

"Yeah. With McGonagall, Mad-Eye, Padfoot, and Moony gone, we're going to need all the help we can get."

"What about Potter?" Trix asks, not meeting her eyes.

"I'll talk him into it," Lily promises. "We were friends for years, Trix. He knows how much you mean to me."

So Bellatrix curls up on her bed in the guest bedroom and plugs her fingers into her ears, humming loudly to block out the sound of the Potters arguing. When Lily enters the room, holding Harry, she sits up and tries to think about how she'll handle the eviction.

"Dinner," Lily says. "You still like mashed potatoes, right?"

So that is how Bellatrix Black finds herself living with the Potters. She learns how to change Harry, how to talk with visiting Phoenix members (sort of, she still melts down a few times and is sure she'll be locked up after every one), she learns the confusing arts of Muggle cooking. She finds herself dragged into card games and pass-that-baby events on particularly noisy nights.

She also learns lullabies, both Muggle and wizardly, all the songs her mother rarely bothered to sing to her as a child. She grows comfortable enough with Harry that she stops panicking whenever she's left alone in the room with him.

Lily finds Trix crying in the bathroom several times, and always has time to comfort her.

They receive owls from Sirius, detailing his dangerous quest. Bellatrix sends him encouragement and tries not to think about terrified she is for him, tries not to ruminate on Remulus's fate.

On her worst days, she suspects that things might have been easier if she was just another loyal Death Eater. She's right, but she pushes the thought away anyway.

Lily comforts Trix, and teaches James to do the same, whenever the room grows too small and she feels herself losing control. Bellatrix helps Lily whenever the stress of their confinement gets too much, and teaches James to do the same. When James starts to crack under the pressure, when Harry cries because he's only allowed to spend limited time with the other small children, Trix and Lily work together to help them.

Trix comforts Lily when they find out the nature of her young son, when they learn that he will be hunted until either he's dead or Voldemort is. "It's not fucking _fair_ ," Lily whispers as Trix hands her tissues in the bathroom.

"It's not," Trix agrees. And then, because that's not enough, she takes Lily's hand and promises to keep them all safe, to watch over them until the last of the Horcruxes are destroyed.

It's one of those promises people just find themselves giving to Lily Evans.

For her birthday, Lily gets Bellatrix a set of Muggle headphones, so she doesn't have plug her ears whenever she hears the Potters getting it on down the hall. Bellatrix brings the Potters magazines from the shops they can't visit while they're hiding, smirking at Muggles from under their hood as they gaze at her wild black hair and imposing frame.

Sometimes she visits Andromeda, or even sits through another Pensieve interrogation, but she always tries to return to the Potters as quickly as possible. Lily has been her rock for a long time, even if Trix couldn't always admit to it to herself, and now Harry and James are becoming the same.

She should have known it couldn't last.

Trix wakes up from a nightmare about her parents to screaming, and at first she thinks she's just in the middle of another nightmare. But it keeps up even when she pinches herself and rolls bed, even as she creeps down the stairs with a wand in hand and them of a borrowed nightgown brushing the floor.

She claps a hand over her mouth at the sight of _James_ , brave smart crazy funny James with his perpetually untidy hair and his painstaking care for his son's toy broomstick, flying to the ground like a crumped doll, aborted antlers sinking back into his forehead.

How? _How how how how_ was it something _she_ did but she was _careful_ and they should have just gotten _her_ even if she'd messed up. Lily explained the spell very carefully, there was no way they could be found unless Sirius....but no wait they changed it to Pettigrew--

_Pettigrew._

That _fucker._

All this flies through Trix's hand in the instant it takes her to draw her wand and lunge, but then Lucius Malfoy steps out of the shadows and shouts _"Expelliarmus!_

Of _course._ Sirius and the others were progressing far too quickly through the Horcruxes; the Dark Lord would have brought backup, he was more vulnerable now. She sees her brother-in-law's lips move towards the Killing Spell, but Voldemort's shouting _"Crucio!"_ and she's toppling down the stairs, shrieking in pain. James Potter's dead eyes hit hers as she hits the floor.

She's experienced the Cruciatus curse far too many times in her youth, but it always feels as painful and terrifying as it did the first time. Only it's _not_ the first time, it's _not,_ and she forces herself to hold onto that and focus through the burning haze as the two men approach her.

"Let her suffer a bit first," Voldemort says, stepping over Bellatrix as she rocks on the floor. "And keep an eye out for any intruders."

 _Suffer a bit._ Of course, Voldemort will make want to make example of any traitors. Lucius leans against a wall and looks down at her, looking faintly apologetic. Trix will see him dead.

Voldemort makes his way upstairs, and from a distance Trix can hear Lily shouting spells, followed by the clatter of a wand on the floor and frantically pounding feet.The _screech_ of furniture being dragged across the floor, a barricade that even a weakened Voldemort will barely noticed.

No.

_No._

Not baby Harry, with the sweet green eyes of a child who is loved for who he is and not his blood content. Not Lily Evans, clear-eyed Lily who believed that crazy Bellatrix Black had the potential to be something good, something great, who believes _Star Wars_ is one of the greatest movies in the world and that not all Slytherins were wicked and...

And that the power to use magic without a wand was a gift, not a curse.

Trix looks up at Lucius as he stands over her, lips moving. She can't hear what he's saying over her screams or Lily's cries or the roar in her head, but she knows whatever it is would be enough to make her furiously, insanely _angry._

She reaches for that anger, breathes deep. She reaches for the fear and terror, lets it sink into her bones. She casts away the last of her Black poise, but instead of trading it for insane hatred she reaches for the desperate madness of love.

Lucius Malfoy's left shoe turns into a banana peel.

A shocked look flashes across his face as he topples backward, head striking wall with a sickening _crack._ The pain vanishes and Trix scrambles to her feet, shaking, grabbing for her wand.

There's no time to check if Lucius is breathing, no time to mourn for James. She dashes upstairs as Voldemort finishes his leisurely glide into the nursery, cutting through Lily's desperate pleas (and Trix knows that Lily begs for _nothing),_ growling "Stand aside, silly girl, stand aside..."

And Trix raises her wand at his turned back, screaming, " _Avada kedara, **motherfucker!"**_

The world is bathed in cold green light.

They survive.

Severus arrives to find Trix holding Harry while Lily weeps over her husband's dead body. Trix orders him to make her a drink, because fuck, she needs it.

Lily clutches her talisman as she huddles between Trix and Marlene at the funeral, while the remaining Marauders sob around them. Trix blinks away her own tears and glares at the people whispering about the Death Eater who did in Voldemort, about the baby boy who was supposed to defeat him except it turns out prophecies aren't always accurate.

They end up at Remus' place, which is nice enough, if dusty and cramped. Bellatrix, Lily and Harry end up moving into the bedroom while the remaining Marauders crash on the couch until they can get two more beds.

Peter Pettigrew commits suicide before his removal to Azkaban, sadly.

A few weeks after James' death, Trix finds Lily weeping while throwing up. On the sink, there's a weird little plastic stick with a plus sign that Trix's never seen before. Lily has to explain its use to her, and then they cry together.

Diana Janet Potter has red hair and hazel eyes. Harry peers through the bars of her baby sister's crib and tries to tell her, in beautiful strange baby tongue, about the Daddy they share and how they'll both see him again one day.

Lily makes Remus godfather, and Trix godmother.

Trix holds Lily when she cries, the way Lily did with her. They comfort each other after nightmares, and thrown themselves into the monumental task of keeping two babies, of finding meaningful work in a post-Voldermort world. Lily starts training to be an Auror, and the all-night study sessions begin again.

She keeps an eye on Severus, and when Lily's still not interested in him Trix makes it very clear that he can either handle her saying "I love you like a brother and mean it" like a gentlemen, or face the wrath of the woman who killed Voldemort.

The children call Lily "Mummy," and Trix "Trix," but Trix understands what they mean. She watches them zoom around on their tiny broomstick, and whenever one of them falls off their's always Trix, Lily, Remus, or Sirius there to catch them.

Lily and Trix try to make each other laugh and help each other survive their feelings. They move back into the regular old groove of friendship, until it becomes something more.

Three years after James' death, Lily is finally ready for their first kiss. Trix tells her how wonderful she is, thanks her for helping Trix embrace her true self all those years ago.

"Anyone could have done it," Lily says, and Trix doesn't need to know about the dark alternate paths her life has taken to know that's incorrect.

She doesn't say anything, though, just holds Lily close and breaths in the scent of home.

The world never feels too small for long when she's with Lily Potter.


End file.
